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I’ve gone bonkers

June 1, 2011

Bonkers – I tell you, I’ve gone totally and utterly stark raving bonkers …

I had a blood test last Monday … Monday May 23rd … and found out that the IVF we had undergone in the Alicante clinc had worked.

A shock in itself … it never works first time, everyone knows that … I hated people telling me that but so many did I began to believe it myself. Came back from Spain practically Catholic having been to so many Masses and gazed pleadingly at so many statues of Mary holding baby Jesus … but feeling optimistic. A week in England rendered me resigned to being just another of the first time IVF failures … but then the miracle … “you’re pregnant” said the nurse on the phone. I didn’t stop shaking for about 6 hours. Our Spaniard … The Spaniard had hung on in there, dealt with the change in weather, diet and denomination … and there I was “pregnant”.

I’m normally a positive person, cup overflowing not just half full, but this last week having been told;

“this is a high risk pregnancy”

“1 in 3 pregnancies end in miscarriage … and at YOUR age …”

“it’s a high value pregnancy, you’ve spent so much emotionally, physically (not to say financially) getting here and it is a miracle it’s happened at all”

“you’re geriatric, in pregnancy terms”

“ooh in your mid 40s you won’t be under the community midwife care programme”

my optimism has dwindled away and I feel rather swamped by everything.

I feel totally freaked out really… trying to be positive … trying at the same time to be pragmatic … and the end result is a mush brained crazy person who has done 3 or was that 4(expensive) home pregnancy tests since the blood tests results came back 9 days ago and spends her whole time trying to ascertain if her breasts are aching as much as they did yesterday.

I know I’ve gone bonkers … and I know I need to snap out of it. Hence blog therapy – either that or drive husband, mother and friends to distraction and make the medical profession think I’m a complete incompetent fool.

So … here we are then … me, my crazy pregnant person mind and a lot of empty pages to fill with mush brained ramblings. I should probably apologise right now. So … sorry!

Oh and meet The Spaniard … 5 days old and about to be transferred from test tube to new home.
Funny old world it is 26 days old as I start this blog and probably looking quite different by now.


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