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Scared … very

June 21, 2011

Tomorrow I go to the Rosie (the Cambridge hospitals trust maternity bit) and will see two specialists … I guess they’ll take blood, do urine tests and so on and maybe even a scan.

I want that so much … but I’m so so scared at the same time …

funny a few weeks ago I was obsessively doing pregnancy tests … haven’t done one for nearly a fortnight … and almost feel too afraid to do one now … I so wish I could relax into being pregnant … but again all the warnings keep ringing in my ears. I have been resting and sleeping (so much sleeping) I do have an achey chest but no major symptoms … then again Mummy didn’t with me or Robert and my friend Jane who I saw last night and is a month ‘more pregnant’ than I am hasn’t either … but I confess just a small sign or 3 would be reassuring.

I had a miscarriage in 2006 … Thing … died about this time. Thing went from being ‘your baby’, to ‘products’ in 0.6 seconds after the scan that showed he’d died a silent miscarriage … it was horrid. That explains why I’m so afraid this time … or at least part of it. The other reason is ‘the fear’ everyone has planted in me, and also the fact that we’ve known The Spaniard since literally the day of fertilization … first photo at 5 days and so on.

Anyway – so tonight I feel restless and anxious, I hope and pray and crave to see (if we have a scan) a busy little heartbeat and someone bigger than 5.7mm of 12 days ago.

The appointment is 2.40 tomorrow (Wednesday) so if you feel compelled please light candles, say prayers and just look up to the sky on this summer solstice night and encourage The Spaniard to keep on growing and get stronger.

We chat, The Spaniard and I, I told him about skylarks today and hayfever … poor fellow is still being rocked by regular nasal explosions … and as I head to bed he – or she – knows cos I’ve told her that tomorrow is a big day.

The good thing about this being the longest day is that it will also be the shortest night … so less time to lie in bed pondering… not that sleep has been an issue … this morning I woke at 6 worked for an hour and then slept til 10.30 … lazy baggage … but I like to think it ‘was The Spaniard what made me do it’

told you I was a crazy person!!

night

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