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Pragmatic or paranoid?

August 8, 2011

While my bath runs, I need to consider something that is causing me to reflect on how I’ve become.

Yesterday I went to a christening, it was wonderful; a baby born to a friend who had been told she’d never have one having recovered from cancer … and I was talking to a friend of hers who has also just been through IVF .. she was 31.

The huge difference between us was that she was excited, totally, in a fresh-faced, blooming kind of a way … she’s a few weeks behind me and has no sense at all that anything could go wrong … not that she was naive … anyone going through IVF knows the risks and the waiting game … however as we talked one thing became clearer and clearer:

she hasn’t been told by everyone that her baby will miscarry, be still-born or being pregnant could cause her to die …not once.

I on the other hand, normally positive, cup half full and looking forward and overcoming barriers have been told by every single medical person I’ve met since I had the IVF and found out I was pregnant of all the risks, of all the pitfalls and potential disasters … to the point that yesterday when we were talking I felt as if I was being quite a dour individual.

“assuming it’s born, it’ll be a Caesarian birth”

“I don’t want to find out the sex incase anything goes wrong”

“thank you for offering to knit me blankets but please don’t until nearer the time”

“if we get that far”

“I hope The Spaniard makes it”

have all become just a part of how I’m thinking about it all …


The nurse that was measuring me for the stockings asked if I was “enjoying the pregnancy”, a question that genuinely surprised me. Do people really enjoy being pregnant? Isn’t everyone scared all the time deep down? Do people think going for scans is exciting? Doesn’t everyone feel cautious and nervous when walking through the scan room doors or while waiting the listening jobby to hear the baby’s heartbeat?

It seems that I’m weird … well we already knew that … other people really are excited, almost blithely and I’m not. I mean I am … it is a miracle that I have got pregnant … and it will be a major miracle if we make it right through to the birth … but that sums it up … have I become paranoid rather than pragmatic due to all the medical doom laden warnings?

On Saturday afternoon, I developed  a horrid horrid wickedly painful feeling below my tummy button – I guess where my uterus is – it eased eventually … but it came back yesterday evening and was there again this morning. Is it something or nothing? Growing pains perhaps? or as they keep telling me might happen, my weak womb isn’t supporting the placenta and it is that which is causing the pain. I don’t know and I feel nervous to go to the MFAU for a check up incase they think I’m paranoid and weird… and that’s just silly … but it’s how I feel. My chest also doesn’t seem as achy and I don’t feel queasy today – that might just be day to day changes … but I’m just not sure.

So – hence this blog post .. sorry for the indulgent rambling … and the bath.

I think I’ll call them after the bath … they can only tell me to go away I guess … and maybe just maybe I’ll meet someone who says “you’re doing ok” instead of “you know this is all likely to go wrong”.




3 Comments leave one →
  1. August 8, 2011 2:37 pm

    Called the MFAU spoke to the midwife there I saw last week who said they have NO doctors at all available there … or in the delivery unit … or in A&E so to basically keep calm and carry on oh and rest (have spent all morning lying down and working on laptop) and “keep in touch” … if pain comes back really badly again to make an emergency appointment at my GP … which seems odd as not much he can do when they have all the kit there and it’s where he’d tell me to go anyway.

    Sigh … guess all the doctors on holiday or off delivering babies somewhere else. Sometimes the NHS can be very frustrating.

    Going for a small walk and to hunt for food and then a sleep… this is all very annoying.

  2. August 12, 2011 4:43 am

    Oh, I have to comment Ell. I tried to ignore being pregnant until being an ostrich wasn’t an option. When I took my head out of my “£$%, I couldn’t get a scan. Till I pawned my camera in September. (The kids were born Nov 6th so you can see how far I was gone when I found out it was un embarazo gemelar – two baby!). By then, I had been hit by a 40 ton truck in France….oh, long story, but just be glad you weren’t the driver!!

    Enjoying being pregnant? I was bloody terrified. Not about having kids per se, but how it would ruin my life. Having just tonight spent a rather spectacular evening with two 17 year olds, individually, talking about their lives, I feel I can sort of finally sigh and relax. Probably a bit late as they are both leaving home in their own way, but at least it does finally dawn on you at some point that you can chillax and love them for being them, instead of being scared to have anything to do with them in case it all goes tits up.

    Obviously, I am rather gutted that we don’t have a new 56” TV this week or some trainers….no, no, no! My kids wouldn’t, even though they have probably suffered as much as any 21st century child in Britain as I appear to be better known to the both of them from the back rather than the front.

    Looking back at my pregnancy, I think I was lucky to be ignored. Had any medic got close to me, then the things I was doing in my life at the time would undoubtedly have meant I would have been totally stressed out. And felt guilty or made to. But, the health service whilst travelling around Europe was luckily insufficient to nail me to any form of behaviour or place, and when I look at the girls, I sort of wonder if some of the rot they throw at expectant mothers makes things worse.

    I JFDi. Twins, conceived a month apart, one had an apgar of 5 when born which I understand is pretty crap, but as she now has 14 GCSEs and could run most of the NW of England into the ground on a cross country run, I can’t say I’m madly worried about her!

    Maybe what you need to do is trust in you. Stop listening to these people who want to scare you cos that is their job. Enjoy being pregnant, love how you feel, send a pair of those stockings up here so we can decorate them, be happy, proud and, well, joyous that you are pregnant.

    Cos you are. The Spaniard is there. Ensconced. Just for an hour or two, revel in that feeling. You, Ellie Stoneley, are pregnant. Woohoooooooo! Smile, play loud music, wiggle your non-surgical stocking toes in relief. Love it, a little!

    It’s fiesta time in Spain right now.

    So, baila, canta and festaja, just a little. 😉

    Diviertate mi amiga, la vida es muy corta u hay que PARTYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!

    The Spaniard needs to know you are you. Just take it easy whilst being feliz/happy. Sonrisas (smiles) are the best medicine so tomorrow and this weekend, relajate y sea feliz


    • August 12, 2011 11:54 am

      I think you’ve got it spot on there … it is all about trusting myself … and all the negative messaging has undermined that … but I do feel now that after the weekend’s hiatus that I have started to do that again …

      and I even looked down fondly at my surgical stockings yesterday … I know they’re there because of The Spaniard even if nobody else does!!!

      You’re right about the smiles and the happiness … I think the other issue has been too much navel gazing due to being on own infront of computer so not out and about as much and it being summer most of my Cambridge friends are away … if I can’t travel then people need to come to me … so I shall start holding court and seeking out more jollity.

      and in the meantime as it’s Fiesta time here’s one for you that ALWAYS makes me laugh out loud and throw beer everywhere!!

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