Pragmatic or paranoid?
While my bath runs, I need to consider something that is causing me to reflect on how I’ve become.
Yesterday I went to a christening, it was wonderful; a baby born to a friend who had been told she’d never have one having recovered from cancer … and I was talking to a friend of hers who has also just been through IVF .. she was 31.
The huge difference between us was that she was excited, totally, in a fresh-faced, blooming kind of a way … she’s a few weeks behind me and has no sense at all that anything could go wrong … not that she was naive … anyone going through IVF knows the risks and the waiting game … however as we talked one thing became clearer and clearer:
she hasn’t been told by everyone that her baby will miscarry, be still-born or being pregnant could cause her to die …not once.
I on the other hand, normally positive, cup half full and looking forward and overcoming barriers have been told by every single medical person I’ve met since I had the IVF and found out I was pregnant of all the risks, of all the pitfalls and potential disasters … to the point that yesterday when we were talking I felt as if I was being quite a dour individual.
“assuming it’s born, it’ll be a Caesarian birth”
“I don’t want to find out the sex incase anything goes wrong”
“thank you for offering to knit me blankets but please don’t until nearer the time”
“if we get that far”
“I hope The Spaniard makes it”
have all become just a part of how I’m thinking about it all …
The nurse that was measuring me for the stockings asked if I was “enjoying the pregnancy”, a question that genuinely surprised me. Do people really enjoy being pregnant? Isn’t everyone scared all the time deep down? Do people think going for scans is exciting? Doesn’t everyone feel cautious and nervous when walking through the scan room doors or while waiting the listening jobby to hear the baby’s heartbeat?
It seems that I’m weird … well we already knew that … other people really are excited, almost blithely and I’m not. I mean I am … it is a miracle that I have got pregnant … and it will be a major miracle if we make it right through to the birth … but that sums it up … have I become paranoid rather than pragmatic due to all the medical doom laden warnings?
On Saturday afternoon, I developed a horrid horrid wickedly painful feeling below my tummy button – I guess where my uterus is – it eased eventually … but it came back yesterday evening and was there again this morning. Is it something or nothing? Growing pains perhaps? or as they keep telling me might happen, my weak womb isn’t supporting the placenta and it is that which is causing the pain. I don’t know and I feel nervous to go to the MFAU for a check up incase they think I’m paranoid and weird… and that’s just silly … but it’s how I feel. My chest also doesn’t seem as achy and I don’t feel queasy today – that might just be day to day changes … but I’m just not sure.
So – hence this blog post .. sorry for the indulgent rambling … and the bath.
I think I’ll call them after the bath … they can only tell me to go away I guess … and maybe just maybe I’ll meet someone who says “you’re doing ok” instead of “you know this is all likely to go wrong”.