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Hatch, Match & Dispatch

September 15, 2011

Funny old day today:

– it’s 3 years to the day since my remarkable wonderful father died (15th Sept just before our wedding 20th Sept and then his funeral 26th Sept … difficult week)

– yesterday I went ‘properly public’ with news of my pregnancy to the world via Facebook and to other wider circles of friends having told people I felt I really wanted to tell in person finally (sure I’ll keep finding people I wish I had told but there we are) … and I’m being swamped with love and loveliness which is wonderful and very warming

– The Spaniard is due 4 months today … officially not til 27th January but they are talking about unzipping me at 38 weeks or thereabouts.

– my ‘Baby on Board’ badge arrived from Transport for London. This made me smile but is also a little bitter sweet as this week (with my travel ban having been reimposed) I have missed two conferences which I very much wanted to attend in London. I shall wear it with pride around Cambridge instead.

So – there we are. The Harvest moon was beautiful last night and the sun is glorious today … a wonderful day, and I’ve recovered from a happy evening with a friend by having a wonderful early morning walk with another friend around Grantchester so I have nothing to complain about …

I’m going to take The Spaniard to visit Daddy; we’ll put some flowers on the grave and just sit and chat for a while and tonight I’m going out to Pizza Express with my mother and my husband to celebrate my brother’s birthday (yesterday; he lives miles away in the Far East) and Daddy’s life. So that’ll be pleasing … he’d have been so thrilled about The Spaniard. I remember him saying to me years ago, “are you ever going to have a baby”, and me joking back that it “could be arranged” and him responding “not until you’re married young lady” … well … I got married 3 years ago; sadly 4 days after he died and now we’re having a baby … so I got there in the end. I just wish he could be here in person to chuckle at my large tummy and meet The Spaniard when it arrives… but as that’s not possible we content ourselves with sitting on the bench by his grave in the leafy graveyard where he spends his days now.

Daddy's Obituary in The Times

I had a bit of a rough night last night … not alot of sleep … The Spaniard must have been wriggling or something which woke me up and then I just felt sad about Pa … I woke Roy up and we sat downstairs on the sofa and he sat there sleepy and a little bemused while his hormonal and tearful wife sobbed about anxieties and sadness… and how hard being pregnant is at times what with all the tummy injections (clexane – to stop blood clotting) and surgical stockings and endless hospital visits and missing so much work I would have so enjoyed and so on.

“You knew what you were getting into”, he said … rubbing my leg in a weary manner. That made me sit up and laugh .. and then cry even more! Poor chap didn’t know what to do bless him.

I had no clue what I was getting into. How could I? You watch friends go through pregnancy, see young girls blithely striding out with perky pert bumps and so on … and you have no idea until it happens of all the anxiety, fear, excitement, apprehension, pain (yes it hurts and often), discomfort, weird emotions, injections, pessaries, discharge (sorry but it’s true), wind (again sorry but dear oh dear where does it all come from), highs and lows, what you can’t eat, what you can’t do and so on and so forth.

Anyway – the sun is out today … and the gremlins and tigers that do come at night from time to time are firmly back in their box. I can reflect on how proud I am to be my father’s daughter and as The Spaniard and I sit in the dappled light under the tree by the grave I can tell the little soul stories of a man who will continue to have a huge influence on both of us as the months and years go by … and then we can go and stuff ourselves with pizza and maybe an inch in the bottom of a glass of red wine.

In the meantime it is quite wonderful reading all the lovely comments people have been posting up around the place about our news … thank you … now ‘everyone’ knows it really feels very official : )

Daddy and I years ago in one of those photo booths at the railway station.

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. Sofie permalink
    November 11, 2011 6:50 pm

    Oh darling, darling Ellie. I am reading your blog from the beginning and it is just so beautiful! I was going to wait till I’d read everything till I commented but this one stopped me in my tracks. All your entries are wonderful but this one touched me so much. Big love to you and The Spaniard xxxxxx

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  1. He’d have been so proud « Mush brained ramblings

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