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Give and Take

November 3, 2011

I came home yesterday – from my trip south – with a car so full it could barely move. Someone I knew a bit a long time ago has recently reappeared in my world (through work) and he and his new bride had a small baby girl back in January 2011 and very kindly said they had a ‘few bits’ for me if I was ever down their way.

I popped in expecting one small bag and a changing mat … and left unable to see out of the rear view mirror over the top of:
a changing mat
a Moses basket
a hangy / dangly toy thing the baby lies under and looks up at
a car seat
a bouncy chair thing to sit on the floor
3 towels
5 blankets
2 sheets
12 white baby grow things some with long sleeves and some with short sleeves
about 20 little tops and sleep suit type things which would do for a girl or a boy
and about 50 perfect outfits of a girl … which they said to keep and sell or give away if The Spaniard is a boy … I think it is quite macho to wear pink flowery dresses these days so you never know!!!
oh and about 100 breast pads as well

Here’s mother also a tad awestruck by the contents of just one of the 4 bags of clothes … all piled up on the kitchen table waiting to be sorted and washed!!

I felt totally overwhelmed!!! Their kindness and generosity to a relative stranger was so thoughtful … and I drove back (slowly) up the M3 and the M25 and the A1M bathed in a glow of pink baby clothes wondering how on earth to repay or thank them enough. I also had a baby bath and a changing bag thing in the car too from Susannah who had a whole raft of other stuff that just wouldn’t fit in!

So – the house is now like a Chinese laundry!! I have also made a momentous decision; ironing is something The Spaniard will not encounter in its life. Air dried and slightly crunchy crumpled clothes will be something it grows to think of as the norm … it worked well enough for my me!!) There are tiny clothes everywhere, hanging up, being folded and going into my old babyhood chest of drawers and even some tiny shoes on top of it next to a white elephant thing I found when I was de-cluttering my spare bedroom.

Which brings me to the ‘take’ which follows the ‘give’ … I made it home all happy and was then faced with all sorts of angst which has been very hard to deal with… and feel that all the joy I stored up over my all too brief time away has ebbed away. Mother’s ribs are still so painful that I felt guilty, so guilty having abandoned her, and Roy is so low that all my efforts to lift his spirits seem to fall on deaf ears or bother him all the more. The spare room that I had spent hours digging through on Saturday (helped by my wonderful neighbour Paul) seems like an even bigger mountain to climb and needs to be excavated to fully mend our heating and hot water to the reliability needed in a house with a new baby on the way. Lack of space, another dead squirrel in the attic and so on … I am so lucky to have got almost ‘2 homes’ – day time at mother’s and so many nights spent here with space, with warmth and love and lots of room for baby stuff … and my house, my tiny, I should have moved out of it years ago, modern box which barely fits one person let alone two and I have no idea how it will fit three… full to the brim with 20 + years of possessions and with nowhere to put them all.

So … feeling a bit blue right now – which feels a bit selfish in light of the generosity and kindness that has been showered upon me … and is I’m sure partly due to rampant hormones and the fact that I had to wait over an hour for a doctor’s appointment this morning just to get more of my horrible tummy injections.

Also wondering if we can start a fashion for baby boys in pink clothes … just incase … or I can find someone else as kind who has boxes of ‘blue’ stuff to give away!! … and no … it doesn’t make me any more keen to find out what the sex is when I have my two (yup – seems a bit over the top) scans next week – one at early o’clock on Monday in the smart clinical investigations unit (carpets, free cocoa and pictures on the plasters AND free jaffa cakes) and then late o’clock on Wednesday back in the Rosie (neon strip lights and lots of red bull drinking teenage mums with packets of silk cut in their shell suit pockets … sorry – bad judgemental me).

Right then – time to pull self up by boot straps and make a dash through the rain to head home to carry on with spare room excavation – or maybe just have a very early night … maybe these blues are caused by the whole time change thing … I don’t like the long dark nights and it being dark by 5pm …


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