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Anxieties and fears

December 6, 2011

Just back from a walk around my usual 3 mile trek … very lovely afternoon but it took about twice as long as usual due to The Spaniard lying sideways and me keeping having to stop, but I made it.

Consequence is that I didn’t clear my head in quite the same way so all the anxieties and fears about the pregnancy, the cesarean, the birth, what the hell I’m to do afterwards when on my own with a new baby, how to cope with the realities of being self employed and needing to continue to generate some kind of income and not loose all my clients, if I’ll get to the spare room floor before Christmas, yoikes and Christmas itself … present buying, wrapping and so on … and the work I still have to get done… you know, those little fears and worries that flit around the inside of your head.

A twitter ‘friend’ had a baby (not by cesarean) a couple of weeks back and is also self employed … she was tweeting earlier about how she is struggling to get anything done and how much time the baby is taking, I know this must sound so obvious to so many people, but when you have never had one you really have no idea of the impact on your life, I’m really scared about this. As the main income generator in ‘the family’ the paying of the mortgage and so is down to me, obviously I’ve a little saved up to cover the lack of income for Jan and Feb but I am still presuming I’ll be able to earn a little. The other thing about being self employed is that you constantly have to think ahead to see where the ‘gaps’ are and the real worry of loosing clients in this climate is very frightening. I’m sure I’ll find a way through but it is a daunting prospect and it’s not a reality caused by lack of planning, I’ve done all I can to mitigate against the risks … but even my insurance won’t pay out for baby related issues as pregnancy is seen as self inflicted… something they were a bit woolly on when I took it out earlier in the year.

I cheerily tell people that the baby can lie in its basket beside me while I work, and I’m sure on rare occasions that may be the case but I know that more often than not I will be unable to work. Another friend runs a shop with her brother, she has from time to time had to work with wee person in a basket on the floor behind the til with her … but she does have a plethora of baby sitters with all the other shop keepers and their older children in the little cluster of shops where she is all to eager to help. I think therein lies the key … accepting help … not something I’ve always been great at, and to be fair I seem to spend alot of time helping everyone else … maybe being seen as capable means I’m seen as not in need of help. So just to be clear I do want help, I will need help and I’m terrified of being unable to cope with the whole thing… mainly cos of the recovery from the cesarean (“you are 47, bodies take longer to heal the older you are”) and the lack of sleep and just the sheer concern about doing anything to potentially damage the baby.

Over the next few treasured weeks I shall have to be absurdly structured to get everything done, lists are called for … and Christmas, well Christmas will have to be largely ignored … and enjoyed at its most simple and meaningful rather than the whole present thing.

I think a daily list … yes that is a way of coping, and then perhaps, if I can trying to carry that on once The Spaniard is born, but allowing myself the flex to be able to not get things done and to prioritize better than I currently do.

I’m also worried I won’t like the baby … that I’ll look at it and it’ll look at me and we’ll just sigh and think, “Oh” and not get along … told you I was mush brained and crazy.

Right – on with my work mountain, and preparation for a couple of daunting days in London .. particularly Thursday which is going to be a long one but will have to include a small snooze or two for a large waddling person.

PS – breast pads??? top tip – don’t ask the 12 year old assistant in Boots about breast pads or maternity pads … they run away looking petrified. I seem to have a huge basket of various pad type things now … it appears that after the birth I shall be leaking from every angle all of which need to be dealt with, quite aside from the small Spaniard leaking and squeaking from both ends … oh this is all really very scary.

4 Comments leave one →
  1. Liz permalink
    December 6, 2011 5:39 pm

    Ellie, if you need someone to work alongside you for a while to share the load but keep some money coming in give me a bell. We can talk it over as one possible solution.
    xxxx Liz

    • December 6, 2011 7:45 pm

      Liz you are wonderful … thank you … we need to talk on the phone sometime v soon about KTCT as I have to chat to John and want to understand a couple of bits of your cunning plan … THANK YOU for being such a star … wish you and Chris were closer – think you need to make a visit south very soon x

  2. Cate permalink
    December 6, 2011 9:31 pm

    oh darlin, it really will be ok…. you will fall in love so hard and fearsely with Small Spaniard Person it will take your breath away. (I promise)

    The rest…well you will sort it out.

    Remember to enjoy it. xxx

  3. December 7, 2011 11:15 pm

    Tomorrow evening, I will give you as much advice, reassurance, support and love as I can – and some food and drink.

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