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AAAAAAGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH just about sums up today

December 30, 2011

I tried – I tried so hard to be positive and cheery but back now from a total (just today) of 5 1/2 hours of being tested like a lab rat and 3 hours + of sitting in bloody hot stuffy airless neon lit blue furnished waiting rooms and I have a stonking headache and really feel nothing short of seriously grumpy.

Trundled back round to hospital for lung function tests, just exhausted sitting in the glass cubicle and really struggled with the blowing and inhaling and even the just staying awake … poor little cheery chappy who did the tests tried his best to perk me up but I think after hospital every day this week my brain finally imploded. I did laugh once when he asked if the ‘bump’ had grown since August … silly bugger … and when he said I’d put on 7 kilos since April I thought that was quite good but he thought I’d been over eating seeming not to notice the huge Spaniard sized tummy infront of him. Anyway – on the whole lung volumes etc good but the oxygen exchange was down …

I called the maternity bit and they assured me there was no wait and said to come straight down .. no wait turned out to be an  hour in a corridor with no phone signal, nothing to drink and nowhere to get anything to eat so feeling increasingly weary I just sat there getting more and more fractious until I snored myself awake and a midwife came and summoned me. I was attached to the baby heart monitor but they didn’t turn it on as someone’s water’s broke so sat there for yet another hour before the remembered me and came and switched it on .. by then absolutely ravenous and close to tears.

Jade the lovely midwife went off and found quality street chocolate and some mince pies … interesting The Spaniard’s heartbeat was not doing well until after I had the sugary treats and then it perked right back up – but because of the initial lack of variation I had to stay on the stupid machine even longer. One thing I did notice however during that time was that the curtains / paper blinds – normally blue, which cover the view out to the building site had turned pink … so maybe the blue everywhere wasn’t a sign after all!!!

Felt alot better after the food and then sat and waited for Obstetrician to come and tell me what was happening … he eventually appeared alongside the most stunningly beautiful almost coltishly leggy registrar ever – which made me all large and round with no make up and grotty hair and totally covered in mince pie crumbs feel like the frump of the century … they really shouldn’t allow beautiful female doctors it is so disheartening!! Anyway – they said that my lung function tests should decline in capacity (in part this due to The Spaniard … but in other part due to left side damage from auto immune disorder) and that my heart was indeed beating too fast and with the increased additional beat … not in the way normal people often have them but some how different, I didn’t grasp the subtle difference. They also said that the chamber on the left side of the heart that pumps blood into my lungs was swollen and the ‘flappy bits’ were doing something a bit odd – they weren’t sure what was causing that but seemed definite it isn’t something called coronary myopathy (apparently a relief) but it seemed it could be the fact that my heart is beating fast due to being pregnant and having to move an additional 50% more blood round and if the blood is getting stuck going into my lungs then that could be causing the swelling …

He said he was only an obstetrician and as such not the person to interpret heart / lung results and they needed my Rheumatologist … but by then nearly 5pm and everyone in the hospital it seems had vanished … she was bleeped and paged … and I’m told that if they can get hold of her tonight I’ll hear what’s what …

So – am back in on Sunday (hurrah Saturday off – unless we hear anything in the meantime) for another ECG and another baby heart test and then on Tuesday and then seeing Obstetrician on Weds … appointments all definite – unless anything else comes out in the test results they are still waiting for. Bloody bank holiday and new year’s eve ..

So there we are .. I’m let out as Mum is next door, but feel still very much in limbo and now with a swollen left side of my heart … am tempted to say “whatever” after all I’ve had done I almost feel I don’t care at all  and haven’t even really contemplated the fact that the Spaniard is due so soon … the fact I can’t feel it bounce much and how utterly drained and exhausted from all the wretched hospital faff really hasn’t helped. I want to feel ‘baby’ ready and need to get my head back round it all again … but feels like the last month has just been almost taken from me. Lots to sort out, work to do, invoices etc and wanting to see friends and just unwind a little and stroke small clothes, pack a bag and so on … really looking forward to tomorrow – going to have hair cut – hurrah – for first time since May (all being well) and maybe even a massage and also see my brother before he flies off back to the Far East … I might even pick out a pram – the one that seems available on the market that will fit in my boot.

When the doctor said this evening, “I think we need to …” I swear if he’d said, “admit you” I think I’d have punched him! Instead the pink curtain of fate intervened and he said “send you to your mother’s” … funny the times on the heart tape that untoward activity was shown was when I was talking, or when I rolled over in bed or was sitting down and not when I was walking or doing anything energetic – so tomorrow rain or shine I’m having a walk and can hardly wait; my body feels stagnant from the lack of leg stretching this week and my brain, well my brain really has totally and utterly gone to mush.

It’s also New Year’s Eve tomorrow – must find something jolly to do .. I really need to laugh and feel normal for just a little while before the small monster appears (yes I know I called The Spaniard a monster – told you I was grumpy). Before the miracle that is our Spaniard arrives … ok happy with that?!


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