A very long day … very long

Hope seemed slightly more settled this morning, moving her head round and looking at her surroundings but then started her plaintive wail and not eating properly and then only sleeping fleetingy in fits and starts. It was a hot day on the children’s ward and her green and blue cot didn’t need any blankets … she kicked any covers off and felt hot although she didn’t have a temperature.

I had nobody with me so it was hard to have a shower or anything but I did get someone to sit with her while I ran off to hunt in the concourse shop for a pack of clean knickers and a cup of hot chocolate and then had a quick shower. When I got back poor little Hope had had a bad upset tummy and a lady was mopping the floor in the room … after that she didn’t settle. The consultant came with her flock of registrars and said (when she saw the rash) that they’re now pondering the possibility of it being Listeria – which would be annoying seeing as I avoided every single possible Listeria giving substance while I was pregnant … and they’re still pondering meningitis .. they put her on a new antibiotic to be taken IV 3 times a day and said they’d be back shortly to do the lumbar puncture. I was very fed up – and so was Hope when it took them nearly 2 hours to come back and I wasn’t allowed to feed her during that time … but come back they did and escape out into the garden I did. I could still hear her howls of rage and fear and pain and felt afraid and helpless .. but it was soon over to be fair to the young registrar and very lovely and equally glam nurse and 2 others that had to hold her bent in half and perform the procedure. They got several drops of fluid and sent some off to be analysed under a microscope and the rest off to grow cultures.

Afterwards Hope had that haunted traumatised look that people have on telly after war or natural disaster or physical violence – it was heart breaking and she had to stay flat for 30 mins so I couldn’t cuddle her so I breast fed her kind of standing over the top of her and leaning forwards so she didn’t roll. Every time she stopped eating she howled.

After about 4 hours she finally lost the haunted look and following yet another drip full of her drugs she did seem more chipper and even played (kicked and waved) for about 15 mins this evening which she hasn’t done since Saturday morning.

The staff here have been wonderful and I have realised that I really do utterly adore my small girl and quite how much I love her. She is utterly fed up with my singing to her now and is becoming institutionalised, not even turning her head when they take her temperature or check her pulse …

Hope does now have a new skill … she follows people round the room with her eyes in a really observant and slowly appraising fashion. She also follows voices .. we’ve spent alot of today staring into each other’s eyes and willing whatever’s wrong with her to vanish.

Bed time now for me – I have been wearing the same clothes since I got her and I feel like death warmed up now but am happy the lumbar puncture is behind us and look forward to finding out more about what’s wrong (or has been wrong) with my girl.

I quite like my little pull out bed – a bit like a Victorian bedroom … you open the cupboard door and the bed literally falls out – it’s even fairly comfortable.

So … til tomorrow sweet dreams small baby girl.

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