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Everyday I love you more

November 15, 2012

OK it’s 1.15am and I should should should be in bed, but, today Hope made me so very very happy I just had to write it down. She does every day, but today sitting with beetroot soup round her mouth, covered in small pieces of ham and toast in her wooden high chair next to her beloved Granby, she suddenly broke into a huge grin, looked at me, crinkled her eyes and clapped… I don’t know why, but it made me feel absurdly, light headedly happy.

I’d just hung her washing out, I love doing that, so I was already overloaded with warmth and a Mumsy glow. I’m really not a domesticated person at all and am rarely to be found doing housework, but I absolutely adore hanging out her tiny clothes. I make sure they are all the right way round, I hang them evenly, all the vests together, all the pairs of tights together and so on … there is an old fashioned hanging jobby at her Granby’s house in the laundry area (that makes it sound so grand, it isn’t I just can’t think of the right word!), the and the little clothes hang down over all the clean cups and plates and when I go to the fridge I look up and see them, that makes me so happy.

Later on she played on the floor in the sitting room beside the Moses basket / crib that used to be mine when I was a baby, it’s now full of stuffed toys and books. Hope is now big enough that when she is sitting beside it she can pull it towards her and tip it over and crane her neck to see what’s inside … she cleverly reached her Kiwi and Granby’s old teddy before tipping it right up to get to some wooden building blocks which she joyfully snatched out and banged together. Just watching these new developments thrills me and fills me with pride.

At lunch time today we met a friend, to talk work and child care. Hope woke up and sat bolt up right in her pram and lent forward with a very intense look on her face. Annie lent forward and said hello to her, Hope grinned and sat back, Annie sat back, and then lent forward, Hope lent forward, then Annie sat back so Hope sat back … it went on for at least 2 minutes, both of them giggling and looking so mischievous … Annie is a grown up!! I do just marvel when I watch Hope mimic behaviour or show something she has learned. She is a little monkey, she plays jokes, she chortles in a breathy wonderful way and crinkles and wrinkles her nose with glee.

I also had to go for a smear today, I hate going for smears, but we all have to deal with them … generally it doesn’t hurt, today it did, very badly, so much infact that having tried twice, the slightly alarmed nurse informed me it wouldn’t work at all and I had to come back to see a Doctor, “maybe your cervix has moved” … I’m not quite sure where it’s moved to … perhaps it stayed in California or maybe it’s now in Brancaster enjoying the brisk Norfolk air?! The whole time I was behind the curtain being poked and prodded, Hope sat in her push chair and chatted to me. Lying there listening to the “oohhh”, “ahhh”, and “ging ging ging” sounds made the whole thing far less horrible!

We walked back to the car through a park and then past a row of shops, almost everyone made some kind of comment about Hope … how pretty she is, how alert she is and how amazing her hair is. It made my heart sing. In California everyone exuded baby warmth in outlandish ways, here Hope gets quite put out when she waves and people don’t wave back, or if they walk off without having made a huge fuss of her … today put that right, she was in her element sitting forward, waving, peering and grinning at people and she chatted and chatted and I’m sure she has also started to sing. Her intonation, the chirps and noises are becoming increasingly lyrical.

I know I know I sound like a mad crazy woman … well I guess I am, madly, crazily besotted with my daughter … I glow with pride when she is feeding from me, the gulps and slurps and contented little burps and gentle smile bring more joy than any money could ever buy, and when she breaks off from feeding, looks up, grins or looks around to check that all is still right with the world before tucking back in I can’t even find words to express the absolute adoration and calm happiness that come over me.

Right then, that’s enough schmaltz, I need to go and look online for other cervixes that have moved and see where they’ve all gone and how to tempt mine back into its rightful place ready for the repeat attempts at a smear next week. I also need to go and climb into bed beside the little cot that I once slept in where there is a small person just waiting to wake up and demand a hug.

Night …

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